Something I have struggled with in the past year or so is wishing I was who I used to be. There was a time during college when I was the fittest I have ever been in my whole life. I was going going to the gym for weight training and cardio regularly; I was on the Sacramento State club rowing team and went to practive four days per week for that. I was thinner, I was stronger, I was faster, I was a lot of things. Since that time, I have struggled a lot with my mental health, which made the end of my college experience very difficult. I stopped going to the gym. I binge ate to deal with my feelings. I sometimes went days without a fruit or a vegetable. I stayed in bed for hours and hours every day because I couldn't face the world beyond my room. I became a very different version of myself than I once was.
And I am different again. I made it all the way to the end of my degree in December. I live back at home again and I work for my dad. I don't live a 10 minute walk from the gym anymore. I have to go to work every day and I have a lot less flexibility with my time. I have one friend in town now. I survived the mental illness pit I was in. I have actually gone so far as to lower my Lexapro dose in response to finishing college and my life changing so drastically. I've dyed my hair. I bought a kayak. I can take baths again. Things are very different. I have never been in this position before and I'm not sure what to make of it. But I know one thing:
I cannot go backward.
I can never go back and be the girl I was. I can't think like she did or act like she did or attract boys like she did. There are many things I envy about her that I wish were true of my life right now. But I can never go back. Nor do I want to. I can't only wish for the good times and qualities because they will always go hand in hand with all of the bad things. I was desperately missing my ex boyfriend and I had extremely low self esteem, so I spent a lot of time on dating apps to find boys who would give me attention and make me feel better about myself. I made a lot of dangerous decisions in that time and put myself in some unsafe situations. Those things are as true and inescapable as all of the good parts that I miss. I can wish for all the good, but the bad is also attached, and I don't want that.
So I CAN'T go back to who I was, and I don't WANT to, so what else is there for me? The present and the future, I suppose. I can't focus too much on the future because I'm not psychic, but I know that my future is built from what I do in the present moment. What I prioritize and focus on and give energy to in the present will become my future, my reality. There is only NOW, so I guess I'd better focus my attention there.
I have learned a lot from all of the mistakes and terrible things that happened when I was in school, so as I hone in on who I am in the PRESENT, I know how to avoid those situations or how to better deal with them when they arise. And I know what things I like about my old self that make me miss her so much. She was disciplined to exercise and fuel her body how it needed. She had lots of friends that she saw multiple times a week. She was involved in something fun and social and physically active. She valued her body and was proud of and grateful for what it could do. She was confident in her ability to push herself and work hard.
I don't feel like her anymore and much of the time recently she has felt so far away, but I am her and she is within me. We have always been the same. She was always going to be me and I have always been her. I believe that I can find the parts of her that I miss and love the parts that come along for the ride.
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