I have been interested in sex for as long as I can remember. My sex drive has always been high, and one way I have handled this over the years has been through the consumption of free online pornographic material. However, even with as much of this content as I have consumed for the past 10+ years (keep in mind I'm 22), I can see many issues within this industry and I have firsthand experience with some of the difficult repercussions of misusing pornography. There are many issues to speak of for both men and women, both personally and societally, and at any age. Of course I won't even begin to scratch the surface here.
Maria Strauss and Sophia Coles of the Farrer & Co Safeguarding Unit published an article in 2021 about various issues regarding the misuse of pornographic material. One of the points they discuss is the neurological response we have to pornographic material. When we engage with this type of content, we receive a surge of dopamine, actually even before we ever lay eyes on it. As we know with addiction and dependencies, this spike in dopamine is very harmful to our neurochemistry over time. The thing about dopamine is that it is not released with the same potency when exposed to the same stimulus over time. This means that someone with a certain level of consumption of pornographic content will need more and more stimulation in order to achieve the same response. This video is a great representation of how the pleasure response lessens for the same stimulus over time. Additionally, Strauss and Coles explain that when certain taboo actions, objects, or themes are added to the equation, adrenaline gets involved, which heightens the sexual thrill. Similarly to dopamine, more and more taboo and extreme content will be needed to create the same pleasurable and exciting response over time. This is when there's a problem. In fact, this can lead to "porn-induced erectile dysfunction." What's really scary is that there has been an over 30% increase in this issue in men under 40 within the last 20 years or so.
Not only are the neurological effects an issue, but the social issues are arguably worse. Porn is a caricature of sex. Caricatures over-emphasize certain aspects of a person's appearance. It's a blown up and exaggerated version of the way someone looks; it's not actually what they look like. Mainstream pornography is an exaggerated and distorted presentation of sex. That is not what sex looks like. But there is such a lack of awareness of that distinction. In my opinion, this does not make pornography inherently harmful or evil. Much of the other popular content we watch is very similar in this regard. Our favorite movies and tv shows are often set in the real world, with inflated or far fetched features that make it exciting and fun to watch. That doesn't make this kind of content unfit for consumption or harmful to society. The same can be said for pornography. Pornographic content can serve a purpose in our society the same way that popular media does, but just like we know that Jaws and The Avengers are not real and accurate representations of the world, we should be able to use the same lens when consuming pornography. At this current moment in our society, we are not making this distinction and the ramifications of this oversight are apparent.
Because porn is not a true and accurate representation of what sex is, but it is being consumed as such, societal expectations for sex and especially how women should look and act during a sexual encounter are incredibly skewed. In a lot of mainstream pornographic content, women are subject to aggressive acts such as asphyxiation and various forms of impact on the body. There is certainly a place for these types of play in the sexual realm as pleasure and pain are closely related, but things have gotten out of hand online. There is an increasing expectation for a woman to be ready and willing to tolerate aggressive and violent behavior from men during a sexual encounter, whether they are contorting their bodies or gagging and crying while pleasuring a man. The prevalence of portrayals of women either reacting positively or neutrally to forceful and potentially painful behavior sends a dangerous message to viewers, especially young people, that a woman should have to be uncomfortable in order for it to be good. The Focus for Health Foundation explains that young men are receiving the message that aggressive behavior toward women is not only okay, but encouraged, and young women are more likely to endure sexual coercion and abuse as a result. For example, in many BDSM style videos, the word "no'' loses its meaning and is replaced by a "safe word." When the sensations become overwhelming, the receiver might feel overwhelmed and say "no" as an automatic response, but they don't truly want the activity to stop. If that person wanted to stop or take a break, they would instead use the safe word. This is a great safety feature that has become normal and expected in this space in order to help people safely explore that line between pleasure and pain. However, if viewers of this kind of content are not aware of this prearranged agreement between participants in a sexual encounter, the message they receive from it is completely twisted. Without this important context, it appears to be okay to ignore a woman's cries to stop.
I feel called to discuss this topic for a couple of reasons. One is that I feel the discussion as it stands currently is far too black and white. Too often, the people who see the same issues that I do believe that the only solution is to ban porn. I think, though, that there is a place for pornographic material in society. What needs to change is the way that we engage with it. It's kind of like alcohol. It won't be going away any time soon, and there is a way to use it responsibly, as well as ways to abuse and misuse it which are harmful to the self and society. The other reason is that I have personally faced many of the negative effects of porn misuse in my own life and relationships. My first relationship was one for which we received many compliments. People were often surprised at how long our "honeymoon phase" lasted and commended us on our top notch communication skills. What we struggled with, and what ultimately led to our breakup, was sexual satisfaction. I have unpacked a lot of this in therapy, and we have come to the conclusion that my ex-boyfriend had been abusing porn and masturbation, which caused problems in our sex life. The type of content he was watching and the frequency of his consumption and masturbation altered his expectations for me and for sex in general. This led me to work extremely hard to try to be "enough" for him to be satisfied, but everything I did always came up short. My body wasn't skinny enough, I couldn't arch my back enough, or tolerate force during oral sex. Over time, many of our sexual encounters were less sex and more sexually deviant activities that I engaged in to try to make him happy. And it didn't work. I came out of that relationship with abysmal self esteem, which truly set the tone for the rest of my college experience, even though I was able to work through a lot of my negative self image before I graduated. My mental health suffered, and I ended up putting myself in many other less-than-ideal or even dangerous situations as a result. This is something I have been wanting to speak openly about for some time, but I have held off because I didn't know how to address it and it feels risky to talk about sex on the internet, but I think if anyone even sees this, that it could help someone feel seen and understood.
This is not a call to ban or quit porn and there's more I want to say about masturbation another day. This is a call for you to self-audit your porn habits and dive into how they might be effecting your life beyond. What are you watching and how much? How do you feel before, during, and after? If post-nut clarity hits you hard, you may want to reevaluate your habits. Talk to your partner. Is your relationship with porn negatively impacting your sex life in real life? Are your expectations keeping you from having much of a sex life at all?
All of this is written with the intent of helping people be happier, safer, and more satisfied with sex. Sex is great and it's a natural part of life. It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of so my goal is not to build shame around anyone's personal porn habits or masturbation in general. Of course, much of the change that must be made in order to solve these problems is systemic. Our sex education curriculum in the United States is pitiful and does not set young people up for success in their future sexual experiences. Our young people lack knowledge of their own bodies and their partners’ bodies, and have not been properly taught about consent. These are important steps that need to be taken that I hope I get to see within my lifetime. But like many other issues in the world, change starts with you. I will be the first to admit that some of my online pornographic behavior has been questionable at best and harmful to myself and my sexual experiences at worst. It takes awareness, a desire to change, and most importantly, I think, the ability to talk about these issues with others without shame and judgment. We don’t have to pretend that sex isn’t something we’re all doing and thinking about anyway. So here I am, starting the conversation.
References
Filmbilder & Friends. “Nuggets.” YouTube, 13 Oct. 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUngLgGRJpo.
Focus for Health. “How Pornography Impacts Violence against Women and Child Sex Abuse - Focus for Health.” Focus for Health, 6 Aug. 2019, www.focusforhealth.org/how-pornography-impacts-violence-against-women-and-child-sex-abuse/.
Strauss, Maria, and Sophia Coles. “The Damaging Effects of the Problematic Use of Pornography.” Www.farrer.co.uk, 3 May 2021, www.farrer.co.uk/news-and-insights/the-damaging-effects-of-the-problematic-use-of-pornography/.
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