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In the past year and a half, I have realized how many of my friendships and work relationships are cross-generational. Reflecting on this, I have also come to appreciate several benefits for myself and those with whom I am connected. I have noticed a need for more awareness of the possibility of intergenerational friendships. Capitalism wants you to believe that aging is the worst thing that will ever happen to you, and there is a strong stigma against older adults and a lack of belief in their ability to think, feel, and act. Keeping an open mind can grow your circle and enhance your life.
Young and old, we all have so much to learn from each other. From both sides, there seems to be a general consensus that the other doesn't know anything and isn't worth trying to connect with. Young people see older people as out of touch and lacking social awareness, and older people view young people as wild, undisciplined, and uneducated. While there might be legitimate circumstances to have created those generalizations, applying those expectations to the group as a whole is silly and dangerous. When we recognize that young and old people alike have a wealth of knowledge on an array of subjects and respect differing perspectives, we can bridge the generational gap and restore intergenerational social connection.
When we come to a point where we can listen to each other with care and nonjudgment, many good things happen. Those involved feel heard and valued for what they can offer to the community, and a deep sense of respect is formed between people. People can offer advice and support to one another during difficult times. Differences in life stages and perspectives are a superpower here. People often seek friends who are most similar to them in their current stage of life, but someone older than you might have been like you before. Someone like that can offer unique insights and affirmation that your current situation will be okay and life will go on.
Further, if we make an effort to connect with those outside of our age group, our collaboration and shared perspectives and experience can help us move society forward. Our current division between generations does not get us any closer to solving our greatest problems. Minds of differing ages work differently, and each brings its own benefit to the collective; younger minds have what is known as fluid intelligence, which is flexible, novel, and adaptable, while older minds have crystallized intelligence, a store of experience, wisdom, and tradition. When we can bring these skills and resources together, listen, process with respect, and compromise, we can work together to create revolutionary change.
One significant social change that would emerge as a by-product of these types of connections and collaboration is the demystification of aging. There is a negative connotation around aging that paints it as a timeline of loss, when it should be considered a timeline of gain. When we can speak openly and honestly with each other about aging, we can learn not to fear it, but to embrace and respect it for the gift that it is.
These are all things that I have learned from my positive experiences with cross-generational friendship.
In my last semester of college, I took a gerontology class. I didn't know this when I registered, but in this class, everyone would be assigned a mentor who was part of the Renaissance Society at Sacramento State, a program for seniors in the community to continue their education. I was paired with a 71-year-old woman who I will call NH. She is a Palestinian woman who, at the time, had only been retired from accounting for about a year and a half. My job was to interview her to foster intergenerational connections and break the stigma around aging and the elderly. I am so grateful that I stumbled into this class and was matched with NH. She and I have so much in common in terms of our personalities, and there were so many similarities in how we were feeling at two very different stages in our lives. She was working on figuring out how to spend her newfound time as a retiree and was feeling lost and confused about her purpose. I was in my last semester of school, not quite sure what my next steps would be, and feeling lost and confused about my purpose as well. It was so interesting to see the parallels between what we were each experiencing 50 years apart. I also loved having the opportunity to ask her about what it was like to come to the United States and how she handled the culture shock, plus what it has been like to watch the ongoing explosion of technology. I also find myself to be very lucky to have met her because we were mid-semester when the genocide in Palestine began, and I learned a lot about the political landscape from her and was able to gain a unique perspective from someone who grew up there. It was painful to see and hear about how this impacted her and her family, but I think it was extremely powerful for me to witness, and I am glad I was able to be there as part of her support system in those first few months of the violence.
When I work for my dad, I spend most of my time at his store, where there are four other employees, all of whom are immigrant women over 40. One is like a second mom to me, and the others are like aunts (one is my actual aunt). I have talked to them about boys, school and my career path, life events, movies, TV, books, and more. They tell me about their lives and give me advice. We're there for each other when we're down and celebrate together. We're like a little family, and being a part of this small community has been highly beneficial for me. I used to feel weird being the only young person there, but it is such a blessing. They have so much experience and wisdom to share. J, the woman who is like a second mom, is one of the wisest people I know. She has shared so many stories about her life in Mexico, and what it was like growing up in extreme poverty, how she used to dance with all the boys before she married her husband, and how she has the type of marriage everyone wants to have. She tells me about things going on at church and with other people she knows, and she always offers great advice when I'm struggling with something. She and my other coworkers have been helping me on my slow journey of learning Spanish, never judging me when I make mistakes. They love to share their culture with me, including food, music, events, and vocabulary. I have been invited to and attended many of their family events, including quinceaneras, baby showers, birthdays, and graduation parties. These are some of the best relationships I have had, not despite them being twice my age or more, but because of it.
Even now, at my new job, I am the third youngest employee at the organization and the youngest in the office. I love to listen to and talk with my coworkers of various ages. I work with women in their late twenties who are navigating being newlyweds or looking for a home where they can build a family. Others are in their late thirties and are struggling with their life purpose and mental health or working on their creative expression. I so enjoy being able to associate with various types of people at completely different stages of life, with a variety of goals, dreams, and conflicts, because it has taught me that everyone, no matter their age or status, has so much going on at a deeper level. These numerous and sometimes paradoxical thoughts, feelings, desires, and responsibilities drive the way people act, and they often feel just as confused as I do, which I find very comforting to know.
Sometimes, the opportunity for a relationship like this falls into your lap, as it has twice for me, but most of the time, if you want to build intergenerational friendships, you will have to seek these opportunities out yourself. It's all about getting yourself to wherever your people are. High school or college students might seek out volunteer opportunities with older adults, or older adults might look into volunteering at a school. For those who are interested, a church can be a spectacular place to meet cross-generational friends who also align with your faith and lifestyle. The public library can be a hub for all different types of people. The local women's club is a wealth of female wisdom but may be more difficult for young women to join, as meetings may be held during work hours. Working with Girl Scouts or joining a local service group can open doors to all kinds of new connections. There may be volunteer opportunities with the hospital, and younger folks might want to look into volunteering at a senior living facility. The gym or any kind of fitness space can afford you many new friends as well. Lastly, take a look around at your workplace; do you avoid connecting with coworkers who are much older or younger than you because you don't think you would have anything in common? You are likely much more similar than you believe.
References
Fox, C. (2024, May 6). The Beauty of Intergenerational Friendship. Women.pcacdm.org. https://women.pcacdm.org/the-beauty-of-intergenerational-friendship/
https://www.latimes.com/people/laura-newberry. (2023, April 11). What we’re missing out on when we don’t have intergenerational relationships, personally and collectively. Los Angeles Times. https://www.latimes.com/california/newsletter/2023-04-11/what-were-missing-out-on-when-we-dont-have-intergenerational-relationships-personally-and-collectively-group-therapy
Litwin, A. (2019, August 26). Women and Cross-Generational Friendship – Anne Litwin. Annelitwin.com. https://www.annelitwin.com/women-and-cross-generational-friendship/
Locke, C. (2023, November 25). You should have more friends of all ages. Vox. https://www.vox.com/even-better/23961005/intergenerational-friendship-all-ages-friends-older-younger
Vincent, A. (2023, March 2). How An Accidental Friendship With A Woman 50 Years My Senior Changed My Outlook On Life. British Vogue. https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/intergenerational-friendship
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