One morning on the way to work, the sun looked super cool coming up over the hills. I may or may not have stopped in the middle of the road for this photo...
This week was a good week—much better than last week since I’m in my follicular phase now. But the beginning of the week, I guess, was so mundane and unremarkable that I can’t really recall what happened.
Thursday was Halloween. Both of my childhood friends were in town, so the three of us went out together. We all dressed up as our dads, got Mexican food, and went to the local pumpkin patch. They have all kinds of stuff there, but we only went for one thing: The Field of Screams. It’s kind of like a corn maze, but you’re guided down the path and surprised by all of the horrors along the way. I was nervous to do it and my friends know I’m kind of a scaredy cat, but I was brave and we went for it. I thought it was actually pretty good and the right level of scary for me. I only screamed once or twice, and it was more of a physical response than real fear. I was happy we went and proud of myself for doing it. There were tons of activities we could have done there, but we headed out and got some ice cream at Baskin-Robbins before going home. We all had things to do early the next day, so we made sure we got back at a reasonable time to get some good sleep. It was a lot of fun.
Here we are, dressed as our dads. I've covered AP and AJ's faces for privacy.
On Friday, I had therapy after work, and it was a really good session. I had lots of good things to report and lots of good things to work on. I got to dig into some things I had been thinking about in terms of the way I used to feel about myself, the way I feel about myself now, and the way I feel about myself when my hormones fluctuate around my period. I’m planning to start saying affirmations in the car on my way to work, so my therapist gave me some good resources for that. I love talking with her because I don’t even realize how mean I am to myself and how much I shame myself for not being “better.” In the next 12 months, I really want to get better at loving and accepting myself and feeling more comfortable with who I am.
Actually, one thing I’m pretty worried about right now is my access to mental health care now that my insurance has changed. I didn’t get it all figured out when we first switched at the beginning of September, and now I have a lot of money that my two healthcare companies would like to get from me. I’m working with my mom to try to figure out how to get everything straightened out, but I think I might have to leave my psychiatrist because she doesn’t take my insurance, and that makes me sad. I really like her. I think my therapist might be okay, but if not, I don’t know what I’ll do because I really don’t want to lose her. It’s hard enough to find a therapist as it is, but especially to find one who I love as much as her would be nearly impossible. I’m crossing my fingers, toes, arms, legs, and eyes that it’ll all work out okay.
On Sunday, I went to a local nature preserve that had recently been reopened for the season. This is my favorite time of year to get outside because I just can’t stand to do much of anything during the summer. Today was gray and gloomy, and it seemed like it was about to rain at any moment, but it never did. There was some anticipation of rain throughout the week, but it disappeared from the forecast, which is disappointing. Anyway, I went out there to walk around and see what there was to see. There’s another nature preserve just a couple of miles down the road that I had been to more recently, so I thought I’d give this one a shot, and I’m very glad I went. It was nice to be alone and walk around outside with no media input or (almost) any social interaction. I got to sit on a rock in the dry creek bed and write in my journal, which was also very nice since I’ve vowed to myself that I would pick up journaling again. I ended up driving higher into the hills after I got back to my car, which proved to be a big mistake because even though I was driving, which people say helps with car sickness, I was pretty nauseous and unhappy most of the time. I kept pushing ahead because I wanted to see what it was like up there, but eventually I just had to call it and turn around. I drove up for about half an hour, so that meant I had half an hour of windy driving all the way back down, which was rough. I do have to note that right as I was turning around, a hawk flew over my car and landed on a nearby tree branch, which was already exciting enough as-is. When I looked back to see where it landed, I saw that it had perched right next to another gorgeous hawk, and it was such a treat to see both of them so closely. When I got back to town, I stopped for some tacos to try to make my tummy happy again. I went back home to lie down for a bit before sitting down with my mom to try to fix my insurance, and by that time, I was feeling much better. I’ve decided not to try to drive up there again, especially because there isn’t really much of anything there anyway.
This coming week seems like it might be a bit of a busy one; I have work until 6pm tomorrow, but it’s all good things, and I will be okay. Rest is important and be kind to yourself (a message for me, but also for you). Until then…
Love always
<3 Nicole
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