This is completely unrelated to what this post is about, but we have a rosebush outside my house and this one looked beautiful so now you get to see it too.
I feel very stuck at home. I have been home for six months now and I have spent a lot of that time working on nursing myself back to normal in terms of mental health. Now that I’ve spent some time maintaining normal, I want to grow beyond my baseline. I want to make major changes, but I feel that I will always fall back in line with what we always do. It’s hard to break the mold. People will notice. People will comment. I don’t want the attention. But what I want more than anything is to grow and change and build and expand, and ENJOY my life. There’s so much discomfort in that process, but I have to let my heart lead.
So I decided to set a few goals for myself for the next two weeks. I identified four main habits that I want to break because I feel they are holding me back. Then I wrote myself a contract, signed it, and laminated it. It’s now hanging in my room right by my door so I can see it all the time.
My plan consists of six rules, all chosen with specific intentions in mind. They are as follows:
Consume no THC
I am in no way against the recreational use of cannabis products. I, however, have fallen into the trap of mindless daily use. Originally, I was using cannabis as a tool for self-exploration, but this is not what's happening anymore. I have talked with my therapist about cutting back and for the past week and a half or so, I have been practicing "On days that start with T, no THC," meaning I don't partake on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But I know I need a more serious reset in that aspect of my daily routine, so I'm taking these two weeks off completely, and then I'll make decisions about how I want to move forward with using edibles more often than using my pen.
Consume no coffee
This one actually scares me a lot, but notice how it doesn't say "consume no caffeine." Caffeine is totally allowed, but the point is not to overcaffeinate, and coffee is the culprit here. I've been trying to compensate for getting poor sleep with 1-2 cups of coffee each day and for me, someone with anxiety, it's too much. I'm definitely not cutting out coffee forever, just taking a break so I can figure out a better plan for me. In fact, on the first day, which was yesterday, I still drank a cup of coffee because I thought that maybe if I quit drinking it on an empty stomach like I have been far too much recently, it might be okay. Nope. I'm not sure what changed and why I'm so sensitive to caffeine all of a sudden, but tea in the mornings it is for now.
Stretch for 10 minutes every morning
I have known for a long time that I want to do some kind of movement not too long after I wake up, but at least for now I know I want to keep it low pressure and low impact. I can be pretty stiff in the mornings, so I'm going to spend just a few minutes quietly waking up my body for the day ahead. My morning certainly did not go to plan yesterday due to external influences so I didn't get to start this on the first day. It's important to note that I did not give myself any penalties for not following these rules. The contract is more of an accountability tool than a boss, so I will just work to implement this better in the coming days.
Spend 10 minutes outside every morning
I know seeing the sunlight as soon as you wake up is great for your circadian rhythm and I also know that I don't spend nearly enough time outside. So, to address both of those things, I am going to spend at least 10 minutes outside each morning. This could be a walk, it could be me eating my breakfast outside, I could stretch outside, I could get back into some gardening, who knows! What I really want to do is start heading out to the river in the mornings, but we'll take it one step at a time. I tried to eat my breakfast outside yesterday, but like I said, there were unforeseen circumstances with prevented this from being a longer and more enjoyable experience. We'll try again tomorrow!
Turn off lights and phone at 9pm sharp
This is something that I think will be hard for me, mainly due to social reasons. I live out in the country and I'm fairly isolated from a lot of social interaction outside of work unless I make major efforts to do something, so a lot of the time I rely on my phone to keep me in touch with the people I care about. I'm also 22 and a lot of people my age like to stay up late, which makes me want to stay up late so I can talk to them. However, I really need the sleep and I am inspired by a friend I made when I was in the club rowing team in college who went to bed at 9pm every night and lived a perfectly fun and socially connected lifestyle. I can do it too. In fact, I had lights out at 9:15 the night before I started this program, so all I have to do is repeat that 14 more times.
Stand up out of bed at 6am sharp
This is the other one that I know is really hard for me, but once I get the hang of it I think it will change my life dramatically. I truly think my life will be so different and so much better once I get my sleep schedule under control. This didn't happen the first day either, but I had been so behind on sleep that the 10 hours I ended up getting was amazing. Plus I ended up doing way more physically demanding work than I normally do, and I think I may be fighting off an illness as I'm typing this the night before. So I am completely unapologetic for not getting myself out of bed at 6 this morning. All I can do is try again tomorrow!
It’s feeling very uncomfortable to have ideas and visions of who I want to become because I have never been that way before, so it feels unnatural. I have to fight my brain not to immediately reject these ideas when I think about them. This life is calling to me for a reason. I have to give things up to make room for what is coming next for me. You cannot change who you are without changing what you do.
Here's to the next 13 days!
Love always,
<3 Nicole
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