I'm not sure if anyone else is talking about this, but it's something that I think about because it effects me, so I feel safe in assuming someone else needs to hear this.
Get used to yourself.
By this, I mean, get comfortable with yourself in weird and uncomfortable situations so you can handle them more easily.
The first situation I noticed I needed some practice in was crying. I cried a lot in high school. I was severely depressed and highly anxious. I was having panic attacks in class at least once a week. Plus, I'm just a highly sensitive person in general. Crying was a part of my regular routine and I was not ashamed of it. The same continued when I first went off to college, and it wasn't until my sophomore year, while I was living at home during the pandemic, that I finally started taking Lexapro. I ended up taking 20mg for about two years and it completely changed my life.
When I first started taking it and feeling the effects, I said that it was like I could see again. I was so much less in my head than I had been before and I was able to truly experience the world more clearly. I didn't notice it right away, or even after several months, but just a few months ago I realized that not only was I not crying nearly as much as I used to, but I was not crying enough. Personally, I need to cry. It helps me move through my emotions more efficiently and keeps me from feeling worse as time goes on. If I don't cry regularly, everything will build up inside of me and at some point the pressure needs to be released.
Recently, I have lowered my Lexapro dosage, with the support of my psychiatrist and therapist, to 10mg. I feel the difference. During my first three weeks of being on the adjusted dosage, I also happened to have quite an eventful and chaotic experience. Things seemed to be piling on, causing me to consider raising my dose back up. Things have cleared up and it seems like 10mg is the right number for now, and here's why. This dosage allows me to feel much more balanced and stable than I ever was without it, but it's not keeping me so straight and narrow that I can't cry. I'm able to let a few tears fall at something touching, or have a little cry session without it turning into a full meltdown. This is a huge improvement from feeling like I needed to throw up all the time, when really all I needed to do was cry, but nothing was able to come out. Crying truly does help me regulate my emotions throughout the day and the week.
Still though, after so long of not being able to cry in the way that I needed to, I feel like I'm out of practice. Sometimes it sucks to cry. I can be mean to myself about it. I'm not used to hearing myself cry anymore, and I sometimes try to hold it back because I'm afraid to hear myself cry. That's garbage. CRY. Cry until there are no more tears if you have to. Sob out loud if you need to. If you allow yourself the space to feel what you need to feel, it will be less uncomfortable to work through things later. It's like exercise. It won't start to feel easier or less daunting until you start to practice. It's okay to cry. It's great to cry. I'm still getting better at it again, but I sure have made progress from where I was recently.
This thought process brought me to another thought in the same vein.
I think we as women need to start practicing how to say no. Like in the mirror, look at yourself in the eye and over and over again, in a stern voice say "No, I don't like that." Square your stance, straighten your back and look inside of the person in the mirror. "No, please stop doing that." Say it again. Get comfortable with hearing yourself say those words so they don't struggle to come out, God forbid you need to use them.
"Go away."
"I'm leaving."
"I won't allow you to threat me this way."
There have been times that I wish I had been able to say those words, but I didn't know what to say. Or I just went along with things and didn't feel a sense of agency for myself and my body and my voice. Or if I could figure out what to say at first, maybe I wouldn't be able to figure out what to say after that. I didn't trust myself and my judgement and didn't know my worth. I didn't feel comfortable enough hearing myself say the words. I didn't respect myself enough to expect another person to yield to them either. So I said nothing. Or I said something that wasn't direct enough to keep me safe for fear of "causing a problem."
So, my post-grad focus on getting to know myself now includes getting used to myself crying and standing up for myself. Both are extremely necessary now and in the future. I will become so comfortable with myself that when I know what I need to do, I can just do it without drowning in doubt and dispair.
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